As I sit here with a diet Pepsi and thoughts flowing, I can't help but to think about my purpose in this life. My purpose in the eye's of God and my purpose in this faithless world. Lately, I've been feeling so forced to spend time with the Lord. Terrible, I know. But I don't want my relationship with God to be/feel "forced." I want to spend time with him, pray, be in community, fellowship, read my bible, serve others, etc. So for the past few weeks, I've just given it to God. I told myself that I was not going to force myself to do anything and see where God would lead me. On my knees in front of him? Mindlessly, carrying on with the world? Unfortunately, until yesterday, I carried on with life as if He didn't really cross my mind. On Sundays, I would listen to the sermon, agree with what the pastor was saying, teach my Sunday School kids, and go home to the world. There wasn't much more to it. I love God. I have faith. I am saved. But recently, I've done nothing to further my relationship with Him. I haven't read my bible is ages, I haven't prayed as much as I should, and I've just honestly been lacking my faith-filled fire. Until yesterday, that is.

More than ever, I've been questioning my purpose in this world. I am a wife, probably not the greatest one, but I'm working on it. I am a daughter, friend, and teacher, too. But I feel so insignificant in the Christian world. I always ask myself, "What are you doing to spread God's great news? What are you doing to deepen your connection with the All-Mighty God? WHY ARE YOU SO CONTENT WITH YOUR LIFE?!" And the answer I seem to come back to every time, is nothing. I'm not telling my friends about my spiritual life, I'm not talking to my husband about his, and I'm not doing anything to be closer to God.

You know, people always say, you only kneel to God when you are in need. And this is so incredibly true for me right now. My life is going so well, so why ask God for help?

But I should be asking for His help. I should be thanking God for this life and for the blessings that he's given me. I should be praying for use in the church or wherever, and I should be seeking him in all things I do daily. Only until yesterday, did I feel like God wasn't talking to me.

So getting to yesterday. I met with a friend. I won't go into too much detail because it was a very personal get-together, but it just made me realize how much we need God. I can't do anything without Him. It made me realize how small my "problems" were and how there are so many more people suffering and dealing with WAY worse things. It made me realize that I should be so humbled by the fact that the most power God, the kindest and most merciful God, still wants to call me His daughter even after my sin-filled life. Even while I continue to sin, His pursuit is just as strong as ever. How incredible and amazing is that? I should be shouting it to the world.

And even while I sat there questioning my purpose all this time, there it was - in plain sight, just right in front of me. I was giving marriage and spiritual advice even though I feel that I am most lacking in both of those departments. My marriage is great, my spiritual life is ok, how can I be the one giving advice on marital problems or relying solely on the Lord? But I know now that God was using me. Giving me the words to soothe, words to comfort, words to say. And though they were probably the messiest of advices I've ever given, they were filled with God's grace. And how amazing is that?

All this time I was praying for God to use me. For God to deepen my love for Him, when really, my life was too noisy to hear Him reaching out to me. To hear that He was throwing opportunities in my face, and I wasn't seeing them.

And even as a teacher, God gave me my dream job, the chance to change kid's lives, build relationships, make a difference. That is also apart of my purpose for Him.

I can't explain to you the feeling of knowing that God is on my side. To know that I am saved and have a seat in eternal life. But I can share my spiritual journey and events that happen to me in hopes that you too, will come to know this amazing and wonderful Father of mine.

So I'll leave you with this,

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

WRITING TO WRITE - LIFE UPDATE

This is Toby right after he pooped in Ryan's back seat. It was hilarious and he's so very proud. 

Woah, I haven't blogged in 2 weeks. I guess life gets ahead of you sometimes. That, and I haven't really been doing much worth blogging for. My life can be pretty chill most times. And in this season of my life, it is VERY CHILL. I'm not complaining about that one bit.

So a few updates: we leave for Fargo, North Dakota in exactly 1 month. I'm so excited for the season to start. I'm also slightly anxious about where we'll be staying. We always stay with a host family, but you never know who you'll get. But I know it will be fine. It always is.

We've been on the house hunt for what feels like forever now. People say, why don't you buy new, build, or just pick one. Oh, if it were that easy. For us, every house is an investment. We have a "dream home" in our minds but in order to afford that or build it (we're not sure yet), we have to make smart decisions along the way. Whatever we buy is going to be a great deal. Then one day, we'll be moving into our forever home. But lately, its been wearing on me more than usual. We look at so many houses, especially recently, because we changed our priority list a bit. And I can't help but to design these houses in my head only then to hear that its not going to work out. But its the game, and I'm the pawn. And when we finally find a house, CHECK MATE!

My church small group is going so unbelievably well. We meet every Monday for bible study and I've truly loved spending so much time with them. Our time [8 week increments] ends this week but I think we are going to continue meeting even though I'm leaving in a month. Its amazing how freeing and good it feels to hang out with like-minded Christian women. Its really opened my eyes.

Dogs are doing exceptionally well despite the fact that they don't have a backyard anymore. Other than the fact that my pup still has accidents in the house every now and then. I can't complain though, its usually my fault for not taking him out in time. Sorry Toby. They all keep each other company and distracted for the most part. Our parents will be taking care of them for the summer when we leave.

That's all I've got for now! Happy Saturday!